Stress Less? Easier Said than done

First Time Mother and Your Own Mother

Anniversary Blues

Successful Retirement Depends On You

Stress Less? Easier Said Than Done!

Stress is part of our everyday modern lifestyle. It fits right in with longer working hours, faster paced living, balancing of family, work, and so it goes on.

Everyone around us seems to be suffering from stress in one way or another. Try testing it, by asking how many people you know who feel relaxed and happy most of the time? Stress appears to be an epidemic in our modern society, quietly working away under the surface of our lives.

The facts are that life is moving more quickly than ever before. Technology is galloping ahead making it possible to fit more things into our day, and communicate with more people at all hours of the day. This is not necessarily a negative in life, in fact it has much to offer and we can gain many benefits from our latest technology.

However, it has brought with it a sense of never being off duty. No real ‘down time’ with emails to answer, phone calls and messages to reply to....

We may forget how to be still, and/or alone in quiet solitude and rest.

Putting all these things together with our own and others expectations, what can often happen is that we become stressed, anxious, even agitated and/or depressed.
Short-term stress is not harmful. In fact it can give us a burst of energy (adrenalin) when we most need it. However, repeated bouts of stress or ongoing (chronic) forms of stress can cause real health problems. If you can identify with any of the following symptoms, or feel that you don’t cope as well with stressful situations as you would like, you may need to seek some professional help.

Signs of Stress
 

• Sleep disturbances
• Migraines
• Headaches
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Irritability

Stress can also be part of the more serious illnesses we may suffer including:
 

• High Blood Pressure
• Heart Disease
• Stroke
• Mental Illness

Our bodies need all our resources to function well. Stress can impair, to some degree, our normal physical functioning. This can include our resources to fight colds, flu and other illnesses.
It can, and often does, seriously affect our relationships and ability to function well at both work and home.
If you would like some help with anything that may concern you, relating to stress or other difficulties in your life, I am here to help. Details are at the bottom of the newsletter.

Why seek counselling? What's in it for you?

• Discover your strengths
• Learn about yourself
• Gain confidence
• Gain direction
• Learn to cope with stress
• Learn to grieve and move on from your losses
• Improve relationships
• Discover your dreams
• Heal the brokenness

Become the you, you were created to be.

  Back to Article Index

First Time Mother and Your Own Mother

Having your first baby is an exciting time and sometimes one that brings anxiety as well as joy. Despite that, preparing for your new baby is a very special time. There is a lot to think about, learn and prepare. Many questions will come to mind about how it will be to be a Mother.

Once the baby arrives, a new chapter in your life begins. All you have thought about and planned for is finally being put into action. A new mother and child relationship begins the moment you hold your little one for the first time. Love and joy overflow as you gaze in wonder at your baby. At least that is how it goes in an ideal world.

Sometimes, however, things aren’t quite so straightforward. Holding your new baby for the first time can fill you with emotions and thoughts that come from deep inside you. Sometimes they are not at all what you expect. You may have experienced some of these from the moment you knew you were pregnant.

How we relate to our children is dependant on our own mother-daughter relationship. How our mothers were with us. What was going on in the early years of our own and that of our mother’s lives.

Let me tell you about a young mother, who I will call Susie, and her first baby, who I will call Sarah. The baby was planned, wanted and loved but there was a problem. The baby was restless, a difficult feeder and cried endlessly, it seemed, no matter what Susie did.

Susie had expected her new role as a mother to be perfect. Her beautiful baby would adore her and would be a happy, healthy and contented baby. This was Susie’s dream. She would love and tend her and her baby would be blissfully happy and so would she.

Instead, Susie grew resentful and began to hate having to deal with Sarah. In Susie’s mind Sarah obviously hated her and she was a hopeless mother. Susie became more and more unhappy and depressed and Sarah didn’t thrive as was expected.

Susie’s own mother was a nervous woman who suffered with depression; her relationship with Susie was driven by fear of failure. She lacked confidence in herself and was fearful of being judged by family and friends as not being a capable mother and for not raising a perfect baby.

The pressure this brought to her relationship with Susie left Susie feeling not good enough for her mother, and not really loved or lovable. Deep inside Susie was a desire to make up for what she had lacked in her own relationship with her mother by having a perfect baby who would love her and bring her the love and acknowledgement she craved. We can see how this early relationship with her mother impacted on her own experience with Sarah.

After working in counselling for a time, Susie began to realise these things for herself. She came to know that she didn’t need to be perfect or have the perfect baby. Gradually Susie became more confident and less judgemental towards herself and others. The bonding with Sarah began to deepen and both Susie and Sarah blossomed. Susie also gained an understanding of her own mother’s struggles, which helped her build a better relationship with her. Like ripples in a pond, Susie’s relationships with her partner and significant others in her life benefited from her new understanding of her life.

This is one of the many struggles we sometimes encounter when becoming mothers. It can be helpful to talk to a counsellor about them.

For more information please contact Leonie Palmer, Counselling and Psychotherapy, on the details listed on this website.

Written by Leonie Palmer

© May 2003

_______________________________________

References: ‘The child The Family And The Outside World’ by W.D. Winnicott. ‘Dibs in Search of Self’ by V.M. Axline.

Back to Article Index

Anniversary Blues

Have you ever woken up in the morning and felt unaccountably sad? Or perhaps felt quite low over the course of a few days without really knowing why?  Maybe you are aware that an anniversary is close and you find yourself flooded with memories. You may even find yourself trying not to think about it at all.

It is not so unusual to find yourself in any one of these situations, particularly if you have experienced the loss of a loved one, or a divorce, a miscarriage, perhaps the loss of a job or a move away from family and friends. When we experience difficulties in life, hopefully we deal with them, grieve the loss and are able to move on with our lives. Sometimes, however, we find we are reminded of them in one way or another.

It can simply be that we are feeling vulnerable or worried, or it may be that we haven’t been able to deal with all the sadness associated with our loss. Even happy memories of birthdays, weddings, baptisms or holidays can trigger sadness. Sometimes the memory is just so painful that it is repressed into the unconscious mind and feeling ‘blue’ is they way it shows itself.

Here are two examples of ‘anniversary blues’. Changes have been made to protect the identity of those involved.

Joan was a young married mother with four children who had recently moved interstate. Joan’s husband had been transferred by his company. The family had left family and friends behind but were slowly getting established in their new home and the children were beginning to settle into new schools.

One Sunday morning they decided to visit a local church, it was Fathers Day.

During the welcome the speaker spoke to all the fathers present, wishing them well for Fathers Day, soon there was much clapping and hugging going on all around the room. Joan had been trying to ignore the melancholy feelings she had been experiencing for several days. When the singing began Joan found herself overwhelmed with sadness and the tears began to flow. Mumbling a few words to her husband, and with her head down, she made a dash for the foyer to try to regain her composure. A member of the church must have seen her as she left and quietly followed her out to see if he could be of any help.

He was very kind, and while chatting, mentioned how he still missed his Dad even though his father had died many years earlier. Joan smiled up through her tears and realised what the problem was. Although her own father had passed away ten years earlier, when Joan was in her late teens, Joan had suddenly missed him as though it was only yesterday. The move away from her family and friends had left Joan feeling afraid and vulnerable, except she hadn’t realised it until now. She had felt the same way when her father had died.  Once Joan realised that and talked it over with her husband she began to feel better. They arranged for family to come for a visit which helped Joan through the transitional period and she was soon feeling fine again.

In our second example we meet Harry, who was a man in his late fifties when he had this experience, which ultimately lead him to seek some professional help.

Harry was struggling at work for almost a year when it became necessary for him to take early retirement, he just wasn’t coping. He was devastated with the choice that he had had to make but decided he would just do something else instead. He embarked on some training courses, in a different field from his previous work, and kept himself busy.

Two years after his retirement he began to feel quite down in the dumps again, his concentration was poor and he felt quite irritable. This continued and became worse as the days past. While checking his calendar, to make an appointment, he realised that it was the anniversary of his decision to take early retirement. The event had been so terribly painful, it had been too hard to deal with at the time and so he had avoided it by keeping busy.

Harry sought some professional help to work through this and the problems that had led to his need to seek early retirement.

‘Anniversary blues’ can come to anyone and at anytime in their life. If you are struggling with something in your life and you feel you need some help please contact Leonie Palmer, at Dove Cottage, for Counselling and Psychotherapy on the details listed on this website.

Back to Article Index

Successful Retirement Depends On You

For some of us retirement can’t come soon enough. The daily grind of going to work wears thin and we have great plans for our anticipated leisure time. We may have sufficient finances and good health that will allow us to live our retirement as rewarding as possible. Sadly, this isn’t always the case. There are many reasons for this; however, today we will look at what you can do to make your retirement as rewarding as possible.

The fundamental necessity to a fulfilling retirement is you! I am sure you realise that already, however, let me explain what I mean in more depth. As we journey through life we grow and mature to become the adults we are today. For some of us this is often neglect our most important asset, ourselves. We arrive at retirement wondering who we are and what we are supposed to do with the rest of our lives. We need time to adjust and sometimes to grieve the loss of our working life.

It is important to get to know yourself. Take time to ask yourself these questions and perhaps write down your answers. What do I really like to do? What skills do I have that I could use to help my community? What can I give of myself to my family and friends? What things in my life do I still do that I feel I ‘should’ do but are not really necessary any more? Often we don’t make time to keep up with those we love and care about. This can be a time to build those connections with family and friends, benefiting all concerned. Now is an opportune time to rearrange your life in a way that brings you more joy and satisfaction.

Taking charge of your life is important, empowering you to make healthy choices, find your creativity, and get to know yourself as your own best friend.Often we get lost along the way and stuck because of trials that we have encountered. It may be helpful for you to seek some professional help to work through these issues.

Tom had reached retirement after a long and satisfying work life and dreaded his retirement, as did his wife Rita. Rita had developed a full life after raising her family and feared that Tom’s retirement may cause some real problems for them both. Tom had few interests or friends outside of work. Tom became more depressed and resentful of Rita. With Rita’s encouragement Tom went to see a counsellor. He discovered, over a period of time, that he had never had the confidence to try anything unrelated to work. His own background was a poor one and his father had worked until his death. Tom believed that that was what a husband, father and provider had to do. Retirement had taken his purpose in life away. Once this was uncovered and worked through he began to develop his creative life and a rewarding life with his family and community.

If you are struggling with retirement or other difficulties in your life it can be helpful to talk to a counsellor. For more information please contact Leonie Palmer, Counselling and Psychotherapy, on the details found on this website.

Written by Leonie Palmer

© 2008

______________________________________

References: ‘Man And His Symbols’ by C. Jung. ‘Ageing Is Negotiable’ by T. Seedman. ‘It Is Better To Be Over The Hill Than Under It’ by E. Leshan.

Back to Article Index